Wednesday, September 23, 2009

We are not in control

This past month has flown by and I can't say I would re-live even a minute of it if given the opportunity. We have had a hard month.

On July 1 one of our best friends was diagnosed with Leukemia and on September 1 he went to be with our Lord. We could have spent 10 lifetimes with Armondo and not felt like we had enough time with him so we are thankful that we know and serve a good God who will right all wrongs and will one day allow us to serve alongside Armondo in eternity. Caleb is devistated that he lost a brother and somehow has a peace that surpases all understanding that his brother is now rejoicing with his Father.

The death of a 30-year-old man, husband, brother, friend, son, uncle, muscian, worship leader is an injustice that I hoped we would never have to bear. I will not even attempt to understand; instead I will grieve with his wife, support and love my grieving husband and church, attempt to protect my son from the overwhelming grief inside his parents, and trust that there is a distinct and beautiful peace resting inside of us that comes only from the Holy Spirit.

I know that Armondo's life was lived each and every day to glorify God. Never was this so evident than sitting with him in his hospital room while he played his guitar and worshiped; singing "How Great Is Our God". Armondo and Traci knew that they were not in control and they carried themselves through Armondo's sickness with such incredible faith; their strength a beautiful picture of God's grace in this brief life.

I know that I spend so much time attempting to control everything in my life. Why? How arrogant to assume that I have any amount of control of the assume that I deserve or am entitled to one more day on this planet. Instead, I hope that knowing this kind of pain and watching one of my best friends become a widow will help me to live a life that is much more free of control. That I will feel much more free to simply love each momemt that I am blessed to spend with Josiah and Caleb...that I will cherrish things that last and let go of things that won't...and that I will live a life that reflects an urgency to serve God with each day He gives me.

This post feels very therapeutic for me and I am having trouble figuring out how to gracefully transition into an update about all the adorable things that Josiah has been doing in the past month. So I am going to save that for next time. I should have some cute pictures from Aunt Sarah's wedding and our trip to San Antonio last week so I will add those soon.

We are now in the process of figuring out what life without Armondo looks like. We are already getting better at it and know that we will continue to grow into some kind of "new normal". With the same amount of control as we've always had, but a much deeper understanding of how out-of-control we really are.

Thank you, God that You are in control.